What I've Learned from Watching Horror Films:

By Meika Bashline



1. Never vacation in the South (Crap! I live here.), Middle America or the Desert.

2. Never follow the directions of locals.  Going two miles down the road and turning right at the big rock aren't directions they are slips of sanity.

3. If you see a creepy or hurt kid, RUN!

4. If you hear a sound in your home don't go looking for what made the sound, run upstairs or hide, get the heck out!

5. Don't be too happy-friendly with the people you travel with because ultimately you WILL have to run faster than them at sometime.

6. If a cop has a southern accent, don't trust them.

7. If the generator or fuse box is either in the basement or 100 yards from the house and it blows just light candles.

8. When traveling don't just have a cell phone, rent or buy a satellite phone -> larger reception area.

9. If you have to shoot someone shoot to kill ->  head shot or just unload all your ammo into them.

10. If you come across a dilapitated or run down house in the middle of no where, don't go inside.

11. When you are getting away in a car don't drive crazy.  Be calm about it and drive responsibly because if not you will CRASH!

12. If you do happen to be hiding, don't make a single sound.

13. Always carry 2 guns and LOTS of ammo.

14. If a person is grody looking, you know bloody or slimy and moaning, "Grrrr, Arrrgh", either shoot them or run, just don't stand there watching them get closer.

15. If there is an escaped maniac, prisoner, animal or mother-in-law anywhere in the vacinity just keep motoring.

16. If you hear creepy background music don't look behind the curtain or door and for goodness sakes, don't back up.

17. If you have to protect yourself by shooting someone and their family is about make sure you kill them all especially if one of them is named Bubba or has one tooth.

18. While riding in a car and you have a CB handy don't tick off the truckers... especially if one of them is named, "Rusy Nail".

19. Don't dress like a "ho" and expect to be treated like a lady or a person.

20. If in-bred Joe starts staring at you lustily begin to drool, walk with crooked knees limping, while grabbing at your hair, twitching and cussing like a sailor, it might just save your life.

21. If you get attacked by a wolfman kick him in the junk cause we all known where canines hide their family jewels.  It's really hard to get bitten or chased when it is on the ground howling in pain.  Also, don't stand around, point and laugh.

22. Like #21 this will also work on female werewolves.  I've been kicked in that spot once and went down faster than a $10 hooker.

23. Always wear a tin foil hat when psychics are about.

24. If you are going to hold up  a cross so something doesn't get you make sure you have faith in God, cause if not you are just amusing the thing.

25. Garlic doesn't work on most vampires, it just makes you smelly.

26. When something explodes don't stand there with your mouth open.  Otherwise you will get a mouthful of liquidified person, monster, animal or fish.

27. If you come across a cannibal don't be a smart butt and ask if he has any Grey Poupon.

28. When and if you go camping in the woods make sure it is not during the time bears are gorging before hibernating.

29. That saying, "Have sword, will travel" isn't just pretty words, they are words of wisdom.

30. If -everyone- in your town is sick don't stay to be the good samaritan - LEAVE!  Especially if the military are involved.

31. Drool, blood or goo of any form that dribbles on you usually means your end is near.

32. Never wear a red shirt.

33. If the local idiot is a friend of yours always leave him at home when you go out because he will always end up doing something stupid that will end with pain, screaming or running for your life.

34. Never collect baby dolls.  They are of the devil!

35. If your pooch runs off in some rural or out of the way place let them, they will either return or they won't either way your alive and you can always buy another dog.

36. NEVER drink the water.

37. When going to a motel cover any mirror or small hole.  It never hurts to be too safe.

38. If there happens to be an opponent that doesn't seem to die but instead keeps coming at you, when you finally get them down, don't just leave because eventually the sucker will just get up again.  Instead chop them into little pieces.  That will definitely slow down that healing factor or make more of them, but you'll never know until it's done.

39. If you find a whacked out baby doll or baby doll heads hanging in someones property, don't go and ask to use the phone.

40. When you get in trouble feel around, there will always be a stone, stick, hammer or screw driver within reach.

41. Sunlight is your friend.

42. Never where heels when going on a road trip.

43. Never disturb a Native American burial ground or tick off a Native American.

44. Don't have big breasticles.  If you do before you go on vacation smoosh though puppies down.  You'll thank me later.